Fear is a scary thing because it can be hard to know what to do to walk through the fear. Today, I'm sharing with you three things you can do today to face your fears of using a donor to build your family.
When we first started down the path of using a donor to have our family it was almost impossible for me to wrap my head around the idea that my genetics were not going to be used. To cope, I told myself…
“It is only a cell that is being donated to me.”
“The donor has a small part to play, I’m the mom and that is all that matters.”
“I will tell my kids about their donor but they don’t need to know who she is”
“I don’t want to know who my donor is because I don’t want to run into her or worry about running into her” (she lived in the same city as us at the time).
“We will not have a relationship with our donor because I don’t want my kids to think she is their mom”
When I look at these thoughts more closely they all share a common theme: fear.
Fear that I wouldn’t see my donor conceived child as mine because we didn’t share genetics.
Fear that my child wouldn’t see me as their parent.
Fear that if my child knew who my donor was I would be irrelevant to them.
It is okay to feel these things and it is okay to have fear as you head down this path of becoming a parent. What isn’t okay is being stuck in the fear and not working through it. The truth is, if you allow yourself to stay stuck in these fears, they will translate to your child in ways that can be hurtful. Such as, not being proud of how your child came into this world, not supporting them to know who their donor is and what things they received from their donor, or unintentionally communicating to your child that using a donor to have them was somehow wrong or something you are ashamed of.
It can be scary to face these fears.
But it is necessary.
And you are capable!
Three Things You Can Do Today to Face Your Fears of Using a Donor to build your family.
- Write down all the feelings you are having. Be honest with yourself even if the fears feel silly, small, or even unthinkable. Getting them down on paper will help you start to see what you are really feeling.
- Find emotional support! This could be a therapist, preferably one who specializes in third party reproduction, a coach, or both.
- Listen to donor conceived people’s voices. As a parent, this can be hard when you are first starting out. I get it. I’ve struggled hearing their voices as well. But the truth is that these amazing humans have the greatest insights into what it is like to BE donor conceived. And they have a wealth of information for us to learn from. Some great accounts to follow on Instagram to get you started are @dccsupport, @dcp_journey_2_rp, and @donorconcievedcouncil.
I would be lying if I didn’t say that there are times when that fear still creeps into my thoughts. But the more time goes on and the older my children get, the shorter and shorter those glimpses of fear are.
You don’t have to have this all figured out before you start down the path of becoming a parent using a donor. But I do highly recommend you commit to doing the work and start before you head down this path.